grrrrrrrr

i thought school was going to be a nice break...it is during the day and it gives me a chance to work more w/ fiona.  when school is over though, thats when the real problems start.  amber used to be such a sweet girl and she has problems and has to see a therapist...but she was improving.  since school started though she's been doing really bad.  i've never seen her this way, she's mean and even now she is starting to get really aggressive...she's pushing me, hitting and even slamming doors on me.  that is stuff she has never done to me before.  sure i would get the occasional i hate kerry thing and she always thinks everyone hates her, but never has she been aggressive towards me.  we used to be really close and now we are not, at all, she wants nothing to do w/ me anymore.  the whole i hate kerry thing wouldn't even bother me so much if she didn't bring the mommy is so much better factor in this.  mommy has this and mommy has that and mommy does this and kerry does nothing and kerry has nothing and kerry is just a big meany that i hate, even though mommy only takes them every other weekend and if she has to take them more then one weekend in a row then she bitches about it or only takes them one night.  i know when amber gets older that she will realize what's really going on and that it isn't me and tom that keeps her from rachel but it's really rachel that just doesn't want them.  until she does get that, it's going to be pretty shitty.  not like i can just say hey, your mom doesn't want to take you, or that i could even bring up how rachel was when she did have the kids thank god they forgot about that.  i'll never forget when i first started caring for the kids when kira walks up to me and says i'm so glad you are our new babysitter now, i ask her why and she says because you make sure we eat breakfast lunch and dinner.  i about lost it when she said that.  ok, i'm done bitching about this topic...

kira is having a rough time at school as well.  she brought me home 4 tests last night and 3 of them she failed...homework is really bad.  i really hope the teachers will do something to help out this yr.  i don't know how many times i asked the teacher to test her or get her some kind of extra help and the said she couldn't because she was an average student.  i'm so pissed about that shit.  since when is it that kids are supposed to be average student?  i thought it was that teachers wanted kids to be better then average.  i never went to school in the city, tom says thats the way it is here but i can't believe that.  i went to mt. lebo most of the time (god i hated that school) i told tom how it was there and he said how it was in city for them, i'm sure they have changed a lot since tom was in school though. 

i made the pesto last night and it did turn out pretty good.  i was freaking out though because i thought i screwed it up, but i forgot to add salt and i didn't have enough garlic, lol.  i would have been so pissed if that pesto went to waste.  it was the last thing in my garden that actually did well.  everything else in my garden died because i had to plant everything close together just so i could get the seeds i started in the ground before they died.  my tomatoes did ok, but not that great.  my eggplant and zucchini died because i had to move them and they are difficult to move.  if only i had known that tom's truck would not be running over the summer (and still isn't) i would not have started so many seeds.  next yr will be different, i will have a nice garden if it kills me, and tom will not turn it into a junkyard again. 

the saab is running pretty well, tom has to retorque the head bolts and we need a new starter.  he's working so we should be able to get the starter this weekend.  the bolts aren't much so that would be no prob.  once we can get all that stuff fixed then we can start fixing the interior.  the roof panel is gone and the panel on the passenger door is gone.  the guy who had this car before was an idiot.  he broke two seat belts in the back seat when he took the panel off and he did something to my window so it will not roll down. 

tom was supposed to take me for my permit last weekend, but of course he did not.  he said he will take me this weekend but i don't see that happening either.  i need to go on a sat. because i will not be able to take the test if i have fiona w/ me.  she won't let me and she will distract me, i have bad test anxiety so it as easy as people say this test it, it's going to be hard for me just simply because i blank out.  i'll probably have to get my grams to take me, tom never will even as much as he says he wants me to drive soooo bad, he doesn't want me to have a license.  he thinks i will total the car and then he doesn't want to pay for insurance.  i'm going to shut up now.

blaaaaa

i'm glad for this weekend to be over...  we went to wally world friday evening and it was such hell.  two people wrecked into me on purpose, i swear one of these days someone is going to hit me instead of my cart and then i will be really pissed off.  if only it wasn't so damn cheap to shop there.  we also went to the strip, it was a sat. we went so that did take a little enjoyment out of it.  it's not soooo bad shopping the strip when it's so busy and i think thats just because i'm outside most of the time and i can smoke.  it would have been nice if we didn't have to try and rush though.  rachel brought the kids back at like 5.  i was hoping she wouldn't bring them back that early or that she would keep them the whole weekend so that i could wait until about 4:15 to get my cheese.  sunseri (did i spell that right?) is always way too packed and the cheese line is crazy, but if you get there right before they are about to close you don't have to wait in line and they always give me a deal on bread they have left.  oh well, i got the one lady that is always there.  she's really quick and very polite.  fiona had a blast going to wholleys (that doesn't look spelled right either, oh well).  she loved the train that goes around, all the fish and lobsters, most of all she loved the dancing singing pigs, lol. 

now that i have everything i have to make the pesto today.  i've never made pesto before and i don't have the exact recipe either.  oh well, hopefully i don't fuck it up.  i grew enough basil to keep me stocked w/ pesto all winter. 

i have the house to myself today.  kira and amber are both at school, tom's at work and fiona is at my moms.  i don't know what to do w/ myself.  too bad they wouldn't be gone a bit longer i could get out for a while.  i should get some cleaning done w/ fiona not being here.  she wants nothing to do w/ me until i start cleaning and then i clean and she climbs all over me to pick her up, lol.  she is so messy to, i would never had thought a little girl could make such a big mess.  i'll clean the house and in about 30 min it will look as though i hadn't cleaned in two days.

so far so good...

well so far everything seems to be going somewhat smooth.  tom is getting plenty of hours in at work and the car seems to be ok.  i think it needs a new starter though...but if that's it then i'll be happy.  i hope this car works out.  it's a nice car, the body is pretty good.  one rust spot but tom knows how to fix that.  the interior is shot in the car, but some seat covers will do the trick.  one of the doors and the roof is missing panel, i wouldn't care about that but the guy who sold us the car fucked up 2 seat belts in the back...those are cheap though.  if the car turns out to be decent then i want to fix it up, but as of now i don't care what it looks like as long as it gets us where we need to go.  if it does end up being a piece of junk no big deal then, the car in total cost us about 400 and thats to get transfer, plate, insurance, aaa, gaskets...so if it is a piece of shit it's not that big of a loss. 

my aunt is going for her lpn so i had to go over to her house all day yesterday to help her on some assignment.  it sucked.  she had to take an assessment of someone so i had to answer questions all day about my health and past health.  i just find all those questions annoying, i find any repetition of questions annoying though.  oh well it was worth all the food my grams bought me.  she went to sam's club while i was helping my aunt out and bought a shitload of goods.  my gram is the shit, she's always helping me out and buying us food and diapers and clothes.  there's quite a few times i would have been so screwed if she hadn't of popped buy w/ some goods.

i had the sudden urge to watch pecker...so i rented it and we watched it last night.  tom hated it, but i love that movie.  if you haven't seen it then i suggest you rent it. 

ick, the baby has had a cold since sunday so she has been so miserable.  not to mention really gross w/ her runny nose.  she seemed to be better yesterday and was quite pleasant again but then she woke up today and was so cranky.  i got really lucky w/ her, she is a really good kid.  if we go somewhere she is perfect and even at home she's never that cranky and she listens.  she has a bad temper though so if you tell her no then she will scream at you, lol. 

ick, the down side to having a car is that now we can shop at walmart for groceries.  it's not too bad after midnight but i hate that damn store.  if only they weren't so damn cheap.  we do get to go shopping at the strip again though and that is a mighty big plus.  i love the strip.  i've been needing to get there to shop for a while, but i'm too lazy to carry everything on the bus.  i should get stuff to make pesto before my basil dies...pesto is the greatest thing ever.  ok i must go, the baby is using a netzero disc as a ring, lol.

hmmm

well things seem like they might be looking up.  not sure if i should be happy about this or just really pissed off.  if life is going really shitty like it has been the past few months i would almost rather it stay that way then get all geeked about things going pretty good and have that taken away from me.  i don't know if that makes sense or not, maybe i should just expect my life to fall apart any second and i won't be to pissed about it. 

the good is that tom got a job in southside gutting out some gross house.  you can't turn around in this house w/ out stepping on a cock roach or a baby mouse.  i don't understand how the people lived in that place, they also had a baby.  they raised chickens in the house, had a billion cats, no toilet so they pissed in buckets and dumped the piss in big garbage cans that they kept in their room, i don't give two shits about the adults living in there but i feel really bad for the kids that had to live there...

we also got a dishwasher (YAY).  i hate doing dishes, i think it's one of the most disgusting clean up jobs i have to do around the house, dishes and the bathroom...gross.  i am very happy someone had an extra one around the house. 

so we got a bunch of stuff sold and got our gas paid and got the saab and the parts and all that crap.  tom changed the gaskets and said the car sounds good.  he has to change the oil twice however because some other fluid got in the engine because of the gaskets going bad or something, i don't know i'm clueless when it comes to cars.  i hope it works, we just went through this w/ and explorer tom bought.  he bought this car in may or something.  the tranny seal went bad and he thought it was an easy fix.  he put just about all of our money into this car and it is still sitting in our driveway.  i can't wait until he is done working on cars.  my backyard looks like a frigging junkyard now.

i finally got new shoes last night which i desperately needed because all my other shoes were falling apart.  the best thing about my shoes is that they were originally $60 and i got them for $15.  we just watched lucky number slevin, it was pretty good.  we got that netfix, it's pretty nice to have and pretty cheap.  it's so nice having income again.  oh we also got 16 blocks and horselover your right, was a great movie. 

i think this weekend i'm going to take my permit test, i'll probably fail though.  i'm the worst at taking tests, in grade school the teachers would give me all the answers for the test so all i had to do was remember and i couldn't even do that.  oh and i wasn't around because my net was off.

ick ick ick

these past few days have been so stressful.  we are selling practicaly everything we have of value.  we need a car so tom can get back to his construction work and our gas is about to get shut off if it's not paid.  the gas will be paid though because we just sold our scretary and our antique guns.  now we just need a bit more to get this car.  we let the secretary go for 90 and the 2 guns and a bayonet all together for 300.  all that stuff was worth way more though, if only we had the time to sell it right.  we are also selling all the music equipment, wich is a charvel jackson, yamaha bass, yamaha ry 30 drum machine, yamaha djx keybaord, digitech effects pedal, radio shack mini mixer, 2 dual amps, 2 huge pa's and all that we are only asking 600.  it makes me sick to think what we are letting this all go for, but it can all be replaced and all this stuff is not going to keep us warm or get tom to work. 

kira got her first bit of homework today.  for 1 1/2 hrs she's been doing it, she didn't even get that much.  she's been spending most of the time screaming and crying though...  i have to get amber more shots before she starts school on thursday because she missed 2 of the immunizations.  i can't wait for this week to be over, way too much shit to do. 

kids go to thier moms house this weekend.  we had them to weekends in a row because she has so much wedding planning to do.  i don't mind having them two weekends in a row, but i had to do all of my wedding planning while having the kids w/ me.  she never took them when me and tom married, hell we didn't even get to take a honeymoon beacause we thought we would have the kids.  my mom ended up taking them for the weekend so we stayed one night in a hotel in greentree.  wasn't even worth staying there, they kicked us out at like 10 am and we didn't even check in until close to 1 am.  so we spent 90$ to stay in a hotel for 9 hrs. 

i guess i just get frusterated because she never helps money wise, barely takes the kids, and expects me to do everything.  she goes out and buys a nice house and a new car, here we are taking care of the kids living in a piece of shit house that is falling apart and we have to sell everything we own just to get a car and keep utilities on.  THEN she has the nerve to complain about her money probs!  what does she have to worry about?  nothing, she has no responsabilities, except to make sure she gets to a concert when her favorite artist comes in town or into ohio.  she has the extra money to take the kids out for a nice dinner and a movie every other weekend, hell we barely have enough money to get anything at foodland. 

i'm just in a bad mood.  i'm glad she can take the kids out for fun and all that stuff because i know we can't do anything that often.  it just hurts because then the kids come back to our house and complain that we don't do anything fun and mommy is so much more fun.  the last time we went to see a movie as a family it was to go see the last lord of the rings.  i think the last time we got dinner was we ordered pizza about 4 or 5 months ago.  i don't even really care about going out to do stuff that much except the kids love it. 

amber and fiona have thier b day soon, then it's almost xmas time...  i hope to god we can pull something off for them. 

ok i need to stop bitching, we got money for the gas and we don't need much more to get this stupid car.  we get the car then tom can get a good paying job and everything will be a million times better...  we'll see about that one.  on the plus side my net got paid before my mom cashed the rent check so i'll have the net for another month, yay.  i can't wait until i get cable net again...